back?
I like to think I’m independent, strong,
but lately that is easily disproved.
How did I come to be so in the wrong?
I’ve never been like this, easily moved.
I’ve been walked over two times in a row,
two times within two weeks,* to tell the truth.
How I could let this happen I don’t know.
I guess I failed to learn a thing or two.
But both of them, they seemed so nice and sweet!
Did not seem like they’d hurt me from the start.
They’d build me up with promises so neat,
then let me down ‘soon as they’d won my heart.*
The lesson here, I guess, is not to trust,
as “nice” guys’ pretty words all fade to dust.
*More than 2 weeks’ worth of history. He just popped back into my life at that time.
One of these guys I met at Sunday School, and the other I knew from choir back in college. As benign and innocent and wonderful as those places are, and as terribly as the ensuing dating experiences ended, what, am I SUPPOSED to pick up guys in bars or something???
Also, see my previous post for an explanation of why I’m suddenly so uncharacteristically datey.
Slightly more at peace
I find I’m feeling slightly more at peace—
less like the world is ending, and all that.
Time churns along and puts my mind at ease.
Perhaps one day I’ll be okay, at last.
I’ve blocked them from my social network feeds;
no more will cruel surprises mar my day.
ugh, “them.” My wording says all that it needs.
I guess I can accept it, in a way.
I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, yet
what more is there that I could even do?
I’m trying very hard to just forget
the way I spent the last summer or two.
Forget him? I’m forgetting my best friend.
But c’est la vie, oh well—it had to end.
I’ve never been so mad at him before,
no, not when we were dating, or first split.
Now that I’m in this state, I just deplore
his acts, his nerve, it puts me in a fit.
I know it’s foolish to react this way—
I know I have no ground on which to stand.
He’s doing nothing wrong or bad, per se—
just really hurts my feelings. Understand?
It seems like such a huge insult to me
that I have been so easily replaced.
Thought what we had was special, yet clearly
he’s found another. Time he did not waste.
I really almost hate my former beau.
I wish I didn’t also love him so.
I guess my resolution is just these.
Don’t know how long material will last.
For now the structured verse puts me at ease,
the soothing meter helps me to relax.
Yet dwelling on my subjects freaks me out—
I spent the holidays not letting me
so much as think about him, and about
him with her, WITH her, more than anything.
I guess it doesn’t make sense that it hurts,
at least, according to my family.*
‘cause I gave up my own claim on him first.
it’s been 3 months—he’s not betraying me.
The first time, though, our breakup wasn’t real.
can’t get it through my head this one won’t heal.
*although 2/3 of them are currently on my Bad List regarding these matters.
Technical details: I think I’m going to shoot for “five a week,” rather than “one every weekday” as I started in October. Counting this and yesterday’s toward this week, of course. We’ll see how long inspiration keeps up…
Monogamy - it’s kind of new to me.
I’ve had so few of serious boyfriends.
Like, me three years ago would always be
just getting crazy while out with friends.
My trend (or goal?) those days was fairly plain,
I’d never go two months without a kiss.
A self-fulfilling prophecy, but hey,
it was a plan that never went amiss.
I waited some nine months to have you near*,
I thought that was significant somehow.
That I’d be kissing only you this year.
That only you for quite some time…but now…
When all is said and done, when clocks strike twelve,
I can’t believe you’re kissing someone else.
*original line ended with “to get you back” but I couldn’t figure out a rhyme for it.
I’m kind of superstitious when I wish
but just because my wishes, they come true.
On candles, ‘leven-‘leven, or eyelash,
I ask the same thing, and I see it through.
For weeks back then I sought a certain split,
it happened—rather unexpectedly.
Then, diff’rent situation, wanted HIM…
now, that one I made happen, but still. whee.
I’ve learned I must be careful what I ask.
My constant wish for months has been the same,
Just want him to be happy—simple task…
a chance it might come true drives me insane.
I want him to be happy in theory—
I wish he could have been happy with me.
ooooh my syllables are so awkward. oh well, I cranked it out in ten minutes flat.
Background: I dated the same fellow from May-August 2010 and June-September 2011. Obviously I didn’t “move on” from the breakup too well the first time around.
I’m trying very hard to just move on:
convince myself that he’ll stay in my past,
convince myself that he is really gone,
convince myself that our love couldn’t last.
I’m doing so much better than last year,
I got the closure that our first split lacked.
And now I finally can stand to hear
we really have no future. That’s a fact.
But it’s so difficult to let it go;
I get so sentimental and uptight.
I had such expectations - even so,
I must admit, the breakup, it was right.
And life goes on - what more is there to say?
I’ll live to learn to love another day.
